God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
