She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
