i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
