If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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