You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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