he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
