trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
