before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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