my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
