dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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