My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize