When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
