OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize