i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
