Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
