He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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