he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize