Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize