The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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