Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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