Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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