what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
