a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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