i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
