Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i out mim tonsoeep
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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