he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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