listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
