what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
