So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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