What a fucking waste of an outfit
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
