I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize