Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The adults are the big ones right?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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