my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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