My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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