soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize