I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I am morally bankrupt
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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