Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
