I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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