I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We left the knife in your bed.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
