I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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