The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
