i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
