Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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