Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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