Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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