There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
