Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I didn't shave. On purpose
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
