Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just forgot I was standing up.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
