you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
