Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
