I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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