Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
