bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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