I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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