Swine flu. Run for my life!
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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