My hair reeks of homosexuality.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
